090805 Silentium

was having this very interesting conversation with a friend today. i was sharing with him my frustration at my productivity in the light of my talents and intelligence and what i felt was a very largely untapped potential. i told him i wasn't sure what was holding me back, but that i could feel a breakthrough in my fingertips, which might be part of why i keep myself so busy. some fear of idle hands.

friend suggested i let the demon take possession (idle hands are the devil’s plaything, after all), and then told me a joke about fear. if you’re being chased, and you're trying to get away, it almost doesn't matter what you’re running from. the point is that you're running, so you have to address that. stop running. turn around and face whatever it is. Then you can restore the balance of in and out, letting things spend some time sitting with you instead of moving away from them until you’re too thin to spread any further.

this was not a big revelation, although perhaps a bit of a shift. the question was how. his suggestion was, of course, one I’d anticipated and repeatedly not tried (at least not outside of a breakup or some other extreme scenario). time alone. I have to wonder whether i avoid it because it will bring me to face what's congesting me, or whether it is the thing itself. self acceptance issue? some guilt trip? (interesting phrase, huh? like you actually go somewhere besides the "real after" where you can do something about it).

so okay, sometimes you need a friend to remind you of what you know, and more importantly to affirm and support. you asked me the question once (“Have you ever considered just being alone?”) when we first talked about an exclusive relationship and i wonder if there wasn't a hint of suggestion in your voice that it might be good for me.

friend tells me he can understand why it’s hard for me to be alone because i'm very entropic (extroverted) person.

on a side note, he recently forwarded me an mp3 of a song that had been stuck in my head for the last few days. I couldn’t find it online, and it was driving me a little crazy.

"Across The Universe"John LennonWords (see blog entry below for lyrics)


This song with all its grand images and spirituality through movement out (entropy). This turning inside out into something infinite, balanced with taking the universe into the self. Nice, right? An interesting piece considering all that’s going through my head. So I’m browsing through my emails and I noticed the one I sent your family as a reminder during a busy vacation. This is where the irony gets really thick. After talking to scot for a half hour about my need to spend time alone figuring out what I’ve cultivated in myself in order to figure out what to do with it, I open that email I sent you and read this.

FEDOR TYUTCHEV
(1803-1873)

Silentium

Speak not, lie hidden, and conceal
the way you dream, the things you feel.
Deep in your spirit let them rise
akin to stars in crystal skies
that set before the night is blurred:
delight in them and speak no word.
How can a heart expression find?
How should another know your mind?
Will he discern what quickens you?
A thought once uttered is untrue.
Dimmed is the fountainhead when stirred:
drink at the source and speak no word.
Live in your inner self alone
within your soul a world has grown,
the magic of veiled thoughts that might
be blinded by the outer light,
drowned in the noise of day, unheard...
take in their song and speak no word.

Crazy. It’s funny how you can know something and need to hear it from someone else before you can actually understand it. My tendency to give took over right away and I sent it (not following the directions of the piece and speaking before hearing) before I fully digested it. not a bad thing per se, but indicative of the tendency to share wisdom and beauty before I appreciate them in my own life.

Gonna turn off my phone for the next two days (after work, anyway) and give that a try. Staying at your place should be as great an opportunity to do that as it has been to be social and party. We’ll get rid of the beer some other time. Hope the ballet was all that, and that you didn’t get caught eating chips during the performance.